You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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