Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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