when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
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Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
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