my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize