I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
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i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
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I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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