btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
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can u get pink eye on your cock?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
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You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Randomize