Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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