also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize