new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
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She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
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Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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