First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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