well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
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One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
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We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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