Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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