I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
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You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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