if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
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Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
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Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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