I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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