i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
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How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
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you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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