Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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