I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
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Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
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A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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