when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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