Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
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I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
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I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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