U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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