Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
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