I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
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We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
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I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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