I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize