Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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