"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
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Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
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but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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