just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
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christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
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You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize