I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
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I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
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You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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