Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
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No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
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Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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