I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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