i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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