Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
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someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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