he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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