So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
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I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
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THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
How does it feel to date your dad?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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