headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
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