I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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