the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
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We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
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Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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