My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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