You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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