There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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