I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
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She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
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i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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