I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
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Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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