please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
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Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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