I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
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Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
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It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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