Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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