I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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