Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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