I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize