he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
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She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
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There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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