matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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